Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

A man is in a hotel lobby.

He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I'm going to make a TV mini-series about hi-jacking a plane.

We just shot the pilot.

 

[Tackle]

Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. Good morning y'all

Shooting the pilot at the beginning of the movie will be disastrous ???, hello guys, it’s nice to meet your all.

Welcome ladies ?, pure coincidence, friends/teammates, or spambots/scammers ? 

 

[Shamal]

I'm going to make a TV mini-series about hi-jacking a plane.

We just shot the pilot.

Sneaky one lol

 

[Shamal]

Delivering elevators is turning out to be harder than I thought because most people won’t accept lifts off strangers!

 

[Tackle]

Welcome ladies ?, pure coincidence, friends/teammates, or spambots/scammers ? 

Correll has gone, tried to embellish their legitimacy with bs, as suspected, dodgy af. Who's next ? ?

 

[Cannonfodder]

Correll has gone, tried to embellish their legitimacy with bs, as suspected, dodgy af. Who's next ? ?

Aw, what did I miss?

 

[Tackle]

As, what did I miss?

New member with the usual "tell tales" that raise suspicions, then @Colin Allen spotted their sales pic on a thread on reddit I think, well done to him. 

I'd already asked them to update their thread with a username note which they hadn't responded to. 

Got my eye on a couple of others that are "off" ? 

 

[Colin Allen]

New member with the usual "tell tales" that raise suspicions, then @Colin Allen spotted their sales pic on a thread on reddit I think, well done to him. 

I'd already asked them to update their thread with a username note which they hadn't responded to. 

Got my eye on a couple of others that are "off" ? 

The power of reverse image search!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My neighbours dog keeps trying to mount anything that moves...

it's a Jack Russell Brand.

 

[Shamal]

I took my sausage dog back to the pet shop........

He was rubbish at cooking sausages.

 

[Shamal]

A man tells his friend that he has been sleeping around. The friend advises him to go and confess in church. So they go together and the man enters the confession box.

Man: Father, I have sinned.

Priest: What have you done, my son?

Man: I have been sleeping around with married women in your congregation.

Priest: Which one my son? Mary Charles?

Man: No, father

Priest: Patricia Jones?

Man: No father

Priest: Jeana Lee?

Man: No, father

Priest: Ok, put 5 pounds in the donation box and I shall pray to God to forgive you.

The man comes out, puts five pounds in the box and walks out with his friend.

Friend: So what happened? What did you get?

Man: Three good leads

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A man tells his friend that he has been sleeping around. The friend advises him to go and confess in church. So they go together and the man enters the confession box.

Man: Father, I have sinned.

Priest: What have you done, my son?

Man: I have been sleeping around with married women in your congregation.

Priest: Which one my son? Mary Charles?

Man: No, father

Priest: Patricia Jones?

Man: No father

Priest: Jeana Lee?

Man: No, father

Priest: Ok, put 5 pounds in the donation box and I shall pray to God to forgive you.

The man comes out, puts five pounds in the box and walks out with his friend.

Friend: So what happened? What did you get?

Man: Three good leads

View attachment 116806

How we dressed the first time I heard that one!  

My new French girlfriend is into water sports.

Really?!

Oui oui...

 

[Tackle]

As suspected, both of these are scammers, gone now but not before one of them turned someone over ?

View attachment 116832

 

[Shamal]

As suspected, both of these are scammers, gone now but not before one of them turned someone over ?

View attachment 116832

Well spotted mate.

What put you on to them?

 

[Tackle]

Well spotted mate.

What put you on to them?

I'll pm you?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

If I got a pound for every time I was paranoid, I'd wonder who was paying me and why?

 

[Shamal]

A high-wire act isn’t something you can do straight away. 

It’s something that has to be taught.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My lad got zero for his geography and history homework, even after I helped him with it.

Seriously, that school is like the Swedish Inquisition!  

 

[Shamal]

Amazing what these marketing people come up with. Apparently there is a new range of perfumes that are supposed to make you laugh more readily. They're calling it "Scents of Humour".