Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[theSwede]

A man is in the hospital getting examined by a doctor.

The doctor looks at the man with a serious gaze and says 

”You need to stop masturbating.”

”Omg why?” Says the man a bit worried.

”Because I can’t examine you while you’re masturbating” says the doc

 

[Shamal]

Went to my local furniture showroom,
The sales person said

"This sofa will seat 5 people with no problems"

I am wondering where am I supposed to find
5 people with no problems?

 

[Shamal]

I’m off to the bank today to pay off my mortgage and all my loans and still have enough to buy a sports car afterwards.
I’m so excited I can hardly put my balaclava 

 

[Shamal]

Warning, never mix your metaphors. You could end up staring down the barrel of a double edged sword.

 

[Shamal]

I've just seen a holiday advert on the TV "Book by 31st July and your children go free".
I know the holiday industry's having a tough time, but I hardly think kidnapping kids and making televised demands like that is the way forward.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I own two shirts and some neckwear that used to belong to a guy out of The Mamas & Papas.

All the sleeves are brown.

And the tie is grey.

 

[Smiling-Dutchman]

My mate told me he dipped his balls in glitter.

Pretty nuts, right?

 

[Shamal]

My sister wasn't too pleased with the locket i bought her for her birthday.
She'll be thankful when her blocked nose clears up though.

 

[Skullchewer]

The funeral for the inventor of tupperware was delayed today. 

They couldn't find a lid to fit the coffin. 

 

[Cannonfodder]

A dog and a cat are having an argument over which species humans like most.

The dog says "humans like us more, they even named a tooth canine after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows dogs are the favourite"

The cat just smiles and says "you're really not going to win this one you know"

 

[Shamal]

I was always very shy as a young man, so my friend advised carrying a pebble in my pocket and squeezing it whenever the shyness took me.  
Did it work you are wondering.
Well I did feel a little boulder. 

?

 

[Cannonfodder]

I got sacked from my job at the bingo hall. Apparently "dinner for two with a hairy view" isn't the call for 69

 

[Skullchewer]

I launched a book aimed at 9 to 12 year olds.
Managed to hit one of the little shits as well!

 

[Shamal]

My family have all gone onto a fruit only diet.

I'm fed up with it. 

The fridge and the cupboards are full of it.

It's enough to make a mango crazy!

 

[Skullchewer]

My friend Dave asked me if I could think of anything that could go wrong with a sentient spacecraft

I said

 "I'm sorry, Dave.  I'm afraid I can't do that."

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My mate quit his job at BMW.

Of course he gave no indication he was leaving...

 

[Shamal]

I paid a carpenter to make me a double bed, but the con man has only gone and done a bunk.  It’s literally one thing on top of another.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

If you get a PM offering you processed pork,  gelatin and salt, don't open it.  

It's Spam...

 

[Skullchewer]

If you get a PM offering you processed pork,  gelatin and salt, don't open it.  

It's Spam...

Oh fucking hell, dude.We just hit a new low, and simultaneously a new high.

 

[Shamal]

Oh fucking hell, dude.We just hit a new low, and simultaneously a new high.

It's good just so long as he doesn't sing it!?