Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Went to a pole dancing club tonight.  

Bit rubbish really.  Every dance was a polka.

 

[Madhouse]

One from the boy today:

How do you get Pikachu on a bus …

.

.

.

.

.

.

… Poke-him-on 

 

[Shamal]

I went back to Sainsbury’s, asking for a refund on a Winebox I bought.
It says 'Once opened will last for 6 weeks’
It was empty after 2 days?‍?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I went back to Sainsbury’s, asking for a refund on a Winebox I bought.
It says 'Once opened will last for 6 weeks’
It was empty after 2 days?‍?

Glad to hear you're cutting back on the booze a touch!

Does anyone know the amount of calories burnt whilst swimming in debt?  

 

[Shamal]

Glad to hear you're cutting back on the booze a touch!

Does anyone know the amount of calories burnt whilst swimming in debt?  

I don't know about calories but I'm having trouble keeping my head above water! 

I went to a pub in Yorkshire and brought home some of their souvenirs.
I bought a beermat, a glass, a box of matches and serviettes.
A lot of Ilkley Moor Bar tat.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I'm in the hospital after being diagnosed with bad camouflage disease.

They've just moved me to ICU.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Watched that Iranian remake of Rocky tonight.  Good film, but the theme songs stuck in my head.

I can't stop humming Ayatollah of the Tiger.   

 

[Shamal]

I've just renamed my WiFi network to "police surveillance van #1”
That should keep the neighbours on their toes for a while! 

 

[Shamal]

I was at the beach and saw a man out past the breakers flapping his arms about and yelling "HELP! SHARK! HELP!"  And I chuckled to myself, "There's no way that shark is gonna help him!"

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I spent the weekend learning to meditate.

It beats sitting there doing nothing. 

 

[Shamal]

I spent the weekend learning to meditate.

It beats sitting there doing nothing. 

Nice.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just read an incredible 13th Century account of a feudal uprising where a duke’s son was killed by rebels who used a trebuchet to knock him off the battlements with the only available ordnance: a peasant’s decapitated head.

Apparently it was the first serf-face-to-heir missile.

 

[Tackle]

Just read an incredible 13th Century account of a feudal uprising where a duke’s son was killed by rebels who used a trebuchet to knock him off the battlements with the only available ordnance: a peasant’s decapitated head.

Apparently it was the first serf-face-to-heir missile.

View attachment 102459

 

[Shamal]

View attachment 102459

Haha. No to be fair it was well contrived?

 

[Shamal]

I've just checked my home insurance policy, and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night, l'm
not covered.
 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Did you know that everyone who conflates causation with correlation dies in the end?  

 

[Shamal]

I know what the words mean but can't form them into that punchline

 

[Shamal]

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again, and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

This salad shortage could be the tip of the iceberg!

 

[Shamal]

Cleanliness is next to godliness.

That's the last time I buy a dictionary from Poundland.