Tell Us a Gag. Please!
- Thread starter Shamal
- Start date
Tactical Pith Helmet
AF-UK patch owner
- Jul 5, 2016
- 1,040
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Jesus fucking wept!!!! ?
I see they're getting around to sweeping the darkest corners of the cracker factory... ?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
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Tactical Pith Helmet
AF-UK patch owner
- Jul 5, 2016
- 1,040
- 2,576
These speedbumps are a joke.
They slow you down if anything!
They slow you down if anything!
Shamal
AF-UK patch owner
- Aug 2, 2020
- 2,830
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- Thread starter
- #845
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.
The lizard looks up and says "Hey! what are you doing?"
The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me"
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint.
After a while, the lizard says his mouth Is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The Inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out.
He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.
He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"
The Monkey looks down and says
"FUUUUUCK DUUUDE HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!
The lizard looks up and says "Hey! what are you doing?"
The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me"
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint.
After a while, the lizard says his mouth Is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with the monkey and his mouth got dry and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The Inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out.
He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.
He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"
The Monkey looks down and says
"FUUUUUCK DUUUDE HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!
Tactical Pith Helmet
AF-UK patch owner
- Jul 5, 2016
- 1,040
- 2,576
Accidently passed my wife Evostik instead of lipstick last night.
She's still not talking to me.
She's still not talking to me.
Tactical Pith Helmet
AF-UK patch owner
- Jul 5, 2016
- 1,040
- 2,576
I've still got the body of a 25 year old.
I should take it back before I get sacked from the morgue to be honest.
I should take it back before I get sacked from the morgue to be honest.
Tactical Pith Helmet
AF-UK patch owner
- Jul 5, 2016
- 1,040
- 2,576
I was walking past a building site this morning and some idiot of a builder dropped a bucket of cement on me.
I was mortarfied.
I was mortarfied.
Tactical Pith Helmet
AF-UK patch owner
- Jul 5, 2016
- 1,040
- 2,576
My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock.
Shamal
AF-UK patch owner
- Aug 2, 2020
- 2,830
- 2,878
- Thread starter
- #854
I put a bet on yesterday, a treble, which the manager of the betting shop tipped me.
Sunshine 10-1
Good Times 7-2
Moonlight 9-4
I put £50 on, and they all lost.
But I can't blame it on Sunshine, can't blame it on Moonlight, can't blame it on Good Times, I blame it on the Bookie
Sunshine 10-1
Good Times 7-2
Moonlight 9-4
I put £50 on, and they all lost.
But I can't blame it on Sunshine, can't blame it on Moonlight, can't blame it on Good Times, I blame it on the Bookie
Tactical Pith Helmet
AF-UK patch owner
- Jul 5, 2016
- 1,040
- 2,576
My new girlfriend saw me stacking washing powder on the shelves at the supermarket.
"You told me you were a stunt pilot "she said.
"I told you I was a member of the Aerial display team" I replied.
"You told me you were a stunt pilot "she said.
"I told you I was a member of the Aerial display team" I replied.
Tactical Pith Helmet
AF-UK patch owner
- Jul 5, 2016
- 1,040
- 2,576
My wife said she thought it would be very romantic if when she dies she could be buried in her wedding dress.
I said, 'You'd better hope you die of some kind of wasting disease.'
I said, 'You'd better hope you die of some kind of wasting disease.'
Tactical Pith Helmet
AF-UK patch owner
- Jul 5, 2016
- 1,040
- 2,576
It's embarrassing when you have visitors and your dog wants to bury its nose in their groin.
I mean my dogs a chihuahua, so I have to lift him up so he can reach.
I mean my dogs a chihuahua, so I have to lift him up so he can reach.
Tactical Pith Helmet
AF-UK patch owner
- Jul 5, 2016
- 1,040
- 2,576
I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I never got the chants.
Shamal
AF-UK patch owner
- Aug 2, 2020
- 2,830
- 2,878
- Thread starter
- #860
STAY AWAY FROM WEYMOUTH
I witnessed some terrible behaviour by the seafront from a couple arguing in front of a load of kids. It started off as an argument but soon escalated to violence. The police attended the situation, the lead police officer tried to placate the couple but had no choice but to use his baton on the bloke, but the bloke managed to snatch the baton and started hitting the police officer and the woman with it. Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages.
I witnessed some terrible behaviour by the seafront from a couple arguing in front of a load of kids. It started off as an argument but soon escalated to violence. The police attended the situation, the lead police officer tried to placate the couple but had no choice but to use his baton on the bloke, but the bloke managed to snatch the baton and started hitting the police officer and the woman with it. Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages.
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