Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was

becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative mate. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing

doctor for an hour?"

"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"Easy, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Is anyone on here any good at crosswords?

"Where they nailed Jesus."

2 across.

 

[Shamal]

I went to the shop this morning to pick up 6 cans of Sprite. 

When I got home I realised that I'd picked 7 up.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I can't take my dog to the park anymore.
The ducks keep biting him.
I should have known this would happen.
He's pure bread.

 

[Shamal]

Money saving tip : Instead of buying a coffin just order a pen from Amazon and use the box it comes in!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just watching a shifty looking geezer in the library searching intently through ths 'S' section of the dictionary, he's stopped now.

I think he's up to something.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I was told I could look at the eclipse through a colander.

I tried it but it strained my eyes...

 

[Shamal]

A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

'Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A Russian wife turned to her husband and asked, "What's this special military operation our glorious leader keeps talking about?"

Her husband replied, "It's a war to stop America and NATO." "Oh, right” she says “How's it going?" “Well” he replied “so far we have lost over 20 generals, over 315,000 troops killed or wounded, 3000 tanks, 300 aircraft, hundreds of helicopters, countless armoured vehicles, artillery and trucks, our flagship along with other naval ships, our army is being defeated in most areas and we have had to resort to conscripting 500,000 Russians including murders and rapists to replace our losses”.

“Wow” replied the wife “what about America and NATO”?

“They haven’t turned up yet”

 

[Leo Greer]

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted

I'm gonna have to tell this one to my father...

 

[Shamal]

I had a lovely date last night.

Tomorrow I'm going to have a fig.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

People think grass don't be wet in the morning.

But it dew.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I used to have a loving family, a nice house, and good car until I got involved with drugs.

Now I have my own island and a yacht.

 

[Cannonfodder]

What do cancer and Costco have in common?

OJ in a box

 

[Shamal]

A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him.
 He knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying, "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!"
The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says, "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

WTF is an acronym 

 

[Shamal]

WTF is an acronym 

Lol

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells,

"Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

"Oh my…" the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son.” he said with hope. “He trains dolphins and he will know what to do."

"Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.

The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.

"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!"

"I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.

Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,

"For the last time dad, I train Seals… Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!”

 

[Tackle]

View attachment 127711

 

[Cannonfodder]

So the mrs walked out of the shower, winked at me and said "I've just shaved down there, you know what that means?"

I looked up and replied "yeah, the bloody drain is blocked again"

It's lucky the sofa is comfy

 

[Madhouse]

Had a chameleon once that couldn’t change colour.

Turns out it had a reptile dysfunction.