Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

 

[Cannonfodder]

Why are wives like grenades? 

You remove the ring and boom, the house is gone

 

[Adolf Hamster]

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

I feel like its worth pointing out that whilst this is a joke thread, CO poisoning is absolutely no laughing matter.

N2O poisoning however.....

 

[Druid799]

View attachment 94661

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'This is my daughter Beth.'

'What's Beth short for?'

'She's only six years old...'

 

[Tackle]

View attachment 94710

 

[Shamal]

Allotment mystery. Over the last three weeks, I’ve discovered someone has been dumping soil on my allotment.  I have tried to catch who’s doing it, but have had no joy.

The plot thickens.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Went to the bulimia clinic today. 

It was heaving.   

 

[Shamal]

Dress code. I was called into my manager’s office over the weekend because of my dress code.
He told me that I wasn’t allowed to wear pyjamas for work.
So I replied “everyone else does”
To which he replied “that’s because they are patients".

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

This must be a worrying time for anyone who has dumped bodies in a reservoir...

 

[Cannonfodder]

This must be a worrying time for anyone who has dumped bodies in a reservoir...

https://www.independent.co.uk/climate-change/news/lake-mead-mob-body-barrel-b2144152.html

 

[Shamal]

https://www.independent.co.uk/climate-change/news/lake-mead-mob-body-barrel-b2144152.html

Fuck! That's a bit of a coincidence you saying that Mr Helmet ??

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I have the right to remain silent, capiche?  

 

[Shamal]

‪When I asked what body wash they prefer to use in the shower, 8 out of 10 women said: "How the hell did you get in here!"

 

[Cannonfodder]

Did you get the know that there's no Canaries on the Canary Islands? 

Its the same as the Virgin Isles,  not a single Canary there either 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just failed my RAF entrance exam.

Bomb bay doors are not an Indian tribute act apparently.

 

[Shamal]

Cloning machine. To whoever stole my cloning machine, I hope you are pleased with yourself.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

The lad came home from school with two armchairs and a sofa.

I clipped him round the ear for taking suites from a stranger.

 

[Shamal]

Well my boy got sent home from school yesterday because the boy sitting next to him was smoking.

I was straight up the school to confront the teacher. 

He said "To be fair,it was your son that set him alight" doh!!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'The parking costs too much...'

'This coffee costs too much...'

'This sandwich costs too much...'

FFS, if they don't like it they should visit another grandparent!