Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tackle]

Have I just been fat shamed... again?

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[ButcherBill]

S...ok, I have broad shoulders.

and a broader gut.

 

[r1flyguy]

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[Anonymoose]

@ButcherBill are you gonna say it or shall I ?

?

Have I just been fat shamed... again?

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[Cannonfodder]

Put all my old dogging gear up for sale on Ebay.

No bids yet but 8 people are watching 

 

[Tackle]

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[r1flyguy]

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[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Laughing at your mistakes makes you live a happier, longer life.

Laughing at your wife's has the opposite effect...

 

[DaktariT]

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.

 

[Cannonfodder]

How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently more than 3 because my cellar is still dark

 

[DaktariT]

The naked man fears no pickpocket!

 

[Cannonfodder]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bar man looks up and says "what's this, some kind of joke?"

 

[DaktariT]

Quote Hamlet Act III, Scene III Line 92,

"NO"

 

[DaktariT]

What do you call an Asian Dwayne Johnson?

The Wok

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A pen doctor showed up at my flat last night. She had travelled all the way from Madrid to fix my broken Biro.

“I didn’t expect you”, I said.

“Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician”, she replied..

 

[HZR13]

Twat walks into a bar and said 'ouch ye f**k' it was a metal bar

 

[Cannonfodder]

Adam and Eve are walking through the garden of eden when all of a sudden Eve starts her first ever period. Panicking she asks Adam what to do so Adam tells her "go wash yourself in the river and I'll talk to god." So she went to the river while Adam spoke to god.

Adam explains what's happened to god who asks "where's Eve?" Adam says he told her to wash herself in the river and god replied "No! Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish"

 

[DaktariT]

Say what you like about Pedophiles but they are really safe drivers.

They always drive slowly past schools.

 

[KirbyHCI]

Say what you like about Pedophiles but they are really safe drivers.

They always drive slowly past schools.

Maybe it's part of the special kind of logic system I've heard most of them use. It's called Nonce-sense.


-

Unrelated;
Two cigarettes are in a bar, one's bragging about how tough he is. Hardest cig in town he claims.
As he's talking, a cigarette with a green ring marked near the filter and the cig that was bragging goes quiet and tries to blend in and not be noticed. His mate notices and raises an eyebrow.
"I thought you were the hardest cig round here?" he asks. The bragger looks at him with fear in his eyes and replies;
"Yeah but I ain't messing with him, he's menthol.

Other side of the pub a similar situation is happening, but it's 2 bits of tarmac. One's bragging about how hard he is.
Suddenly, a red piece of tarmac strolls into the bar and the one that was bragging shuts up and goes to slink off to the toilets... His friend looks at him and says "Wait, are you scared of that guy? I thought you were hard?!"
The one that had been bragging hisses under his breath "Yeah but I don't wanna piss him off. That guy's a cycle-path!"

As all this is going on, a piece of string walks in, approaches the bar, and asks for a pint. The bartender refuses and tells him they don't serve his kind in here.
The string sighs and says ok, before heading back out the door. Outside, there's some kind of commotion before the string walks back in, all messed up like he'd been attacked.
The string walks up to the bar and asks for a pint again. The bartender says "Aren't you that piece of string that came in a second ago?"
The string replies "I'm a frayed knot."

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

For Sale

1x George Foreman Grill

2x Mohammed Ali DVDs

Both Boxed