Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

So I got home early today and caught the wife in bed with my best friend.

I went mad and called her some bad names and told her to pack her bags and go and live with her mother and that I wanted a divorce

My best friend didn't get off lightly either.

I told him "Bad dog Rover,bad dog!"and made him sleep in the garden.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Rang the doctors today.   Said I'd had the shits for six weeks. 

She said not to worry,  they go back to school tomorrow. 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Gave my dog an old sneaker to chew on.

I tell people that he's got his own personal trainer. 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'I've become addicted to buying old Beatles records.'

'You need Help.'

'No, I already have that one.'

 

[Cannonfodder]

The instructions on my new deodorant says remove cap and push up bottom

I'm not sure how taking my hat off will help but here goes nothing 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Won my first ever cage fight tonight. ?

Fucking hamster didn't know what had hit it!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Kids today know absolutely fuck all.

They don't even know who Neil Armstrong is, never mind what type of trumpet he played!

 

[Jedi_Master]

Today I watched an old man feeding the birds in the park.  He was dead.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife treats me like a god.

She takes no notice of my existence until she actually wants something...

 

[Cannonfodder]

FINALLY got to see my doctor yesterday, I showed him this painful rash I am plagued with on my balls. Couldn't believe it when he just refused to help, but continued to push his trolley around Morrisons .

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I'm one of the lucky ones who didn't get an Oasis ticket.

 

[DaktariT]

What's the difference between Ironman and Ironwoman?

One is a super hero and the other is a command.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just seen the headlines in the local paper:

"Graveyard targeted in the night - assailants leave cheese toasties everywhere!"

Police say it's likely the work of Breville worshippers...

 

[Madhouse]

A man's lived with his wife for 25 years and all that time he's told her never to look in the safe, but one day the wife gets curious and while he's at the pub has a look. In there she finds £40,000 in cash and three eggs.

Upon his return from the pub she asks him about it and he eventually agrees to tell her.

"Every time I've slept with another woman I take an egg from the chickens and put it in the safe"

Well three affairs in 25 years could be worse she says .... but what about the money?

"every time I get a dozen eggs I sell them"

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.'

A handy rule of thumb when trying to pull at weddings.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Fifty quid from the first three birthday cards today!

I love being a postman...

 

[DaktariT]

Two lawyers walk into a pub. They order a couple of drinks and take their sandwiches out of their briefcases and then they begin to eat them.

Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, “Excuse me, but you can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The two lawyers look at each other, shrug their shoulders, and then exchange sandwiches.

 

[Cannonfodder]

While at the gym yesterday I found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in.

To cut a long story short, she complained and now I'm banned for life

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I for one.  Love Roman numerals...

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My attempts to develop an artificial testicle have been shambolic.