Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

So it could get to the other side.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Uncle Bob reckons that he's a bit of an athlete.

He once came first in a threesome....

 

[Shamal]

My musical knowledge is so poor I thought Kanye West was a railway station and Lana Del Rey a holiday destination.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I'm still looking for a cure for my sex addiction.

I've tried fucking everything.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

What's got 2 legs & bleeds?

Half a cat.

 

[Shamal]

About a month before he died, my grandfather covered his back full of lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.

 

[Shamal]

Just attended a sheep dog trial in the Lake District
2 were acquitted and 4 were found guilty!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I've bought a Microsoft strobe light.

It doesn't work properly unless you switch it off and on again.

 

[Shamal]

A couple driving home hit and wounded a skunk on the road.

The wife gets out and brings it back to the car.

"We need to take it to a vet. It's shivering, it must be cold, what should I do?" she asks.

Husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."

"But it stinks!" she exclaims.

"So hold its nose!"

 

[DaktariT]

What does a Ginger miss at a great party?

The invite 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

It's going to be foggy tonight

It's going to be foggy tonight

It's going to be foggy tonight

It's going to be foggy tonight

You have..... 4 mist messages.

 

[Shamal]

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: "I USE PLENTY

SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Caught one of the roofers wanking on the job today.

He thought I'd sack him but I told him to start again and wipe the slate clean.  

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

The school's counsellor called me and told me my son would not stop mooning all of his classmates.

I told her that, 'I think he's just going through a phase...'

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Kia have released a new car called the Kia Starmer. 

It does the fastest U turns in history.

 

[Shamal]

A GIRLS FIRST TIME

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease of entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.

He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

You filthy minded feckers ?

 

[Cannonfodder]

By the time a Navy pilot pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Marine pilot," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." 

"No problem," the tired Navy pilot assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Navy Pilot came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Navy pilot. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. 

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' ...and he sat up all night watching me."

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just seen the footage of Rotherham in the news; burnt-out cars, broken windows, rubbish and grafiti everywhere, fence posts ripped out and strewn about the place...

And now the riots!!

 

[Cannonfodder]

Just seen the footage of Rotherham in the news; burnt-out cars, broken windows, rubbish and grafiti everywhere, fence posts ripped out and strewn about the place...

And now the riots!!

Early reports suggest the rioters did thousands of pounds of improvements 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Early reports suggest the rioters did thousands of pounds of improvements 

They rioted in Great Yarmouth tonight and looted Shoezone.

Everything but the work boots were stolen.