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Tell Us a Gag. Please!

My friend was caught climbing the fence a Glastonbury.

Security pulled him down and forced him to get back in and watch Coldplay.

 
I grow expensive plants for rich customers. I just look down on the hoi polloi who can't afford them. I'm a haughtyculturalist.

My friend was caught climbing the fence a Glastonbury.

Security pulled him down and forced him to get back in and watch Coldplay.
Haha.

I've climbed over many moons ago.

 
It's unfair to compare the English men's and women's international football teams. More power, more strength, more skill.

And in time I'm pretty sure the men will catch up...

 
I have applied for the University of Liverpool.  Apparently, I need three ay ay ay levels to get in.

 
I went out for a meal tonight.  The waiter noticed that I hadn't eaten all of my chips, and said, 'Do you want a box for those?'

Seeing that I'd already paid for the fuckers I put my fists up and had first swing.  

 
Just finished writing a book about my car.

It's an Auto Biography!!

 
I was in a restaurant earlier when a group of electricians came in.

The waiter asked if they wanted a starter. But they went straight for the mains.

 
I’m not saying we live in dangerous times but the most powerful man in the world with the nuclear launch codes has dementia and mixes up Zelensky and Putin.

What could possibly go wrong?

 
I've looked everywhere trying to buy an England flag for the European Championship final but I couldn't find one.

In the end, I bought a French one and drew a red cross on it.

 
England have had to turn down a £150 million sponsorship deal with a major dog food manufacturer.

An England spokesman said "having Winalot on our kit was taking the piss"

 
A bit of advice....

Never read a pop up book about giraffes!

 
I saw a police alsatian wearing a grey jumper.

It was a plain clothes police dog

 
Doc: “Hi – I am sorry but I have bad news, and I have very bad news. Which one do you want first?”

Patient: “ok, give me the very bad news first”

Doc “We have received the latest test results and you have been diagnosed with Ligma. You only have 1 day to live”

Patient: “Just 1 day?! … what’s the bad news then?”

Doc: “I tried to call you yesterday, but you didn’t pick up your phone”

 
I took my wife to be tested for Tourette’s Syndrome, but the test came back negative. Turns out I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.

 
An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

 
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