Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife's off to a party tonight. 

The invite said 'dress to kill.'

She's gone as Rose West.    

 

[Shamal]

I went to a fancy dress party with a Durex on my nose.

The host asked what I had come as.

"Fuck knows" I replied.

 

[Shamal]

My mate slippery Sid got sent down last week for something he didn't do.......

He didn't wear gloves.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

The man who invented personalised number plates has passed away.

His funeral takes place at the crematorium on TUE504Y at 1pm.

 

[Shamal]

The vet just informed us our pet goat  won’t be able to have offspring.  Honestly No kidding.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

What the fuck is it with hedgehogs?

Why can't they share the damn hedge?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Thought I found the remains of a dinosaur yesterday; turns out it was a fossil arm

 

[Shamal]

Thought I found the remains of a dinosaur yesterday; turns out it was a fossil arm

I had to think hard on that for couple mins lol

 

[Cannonfodder]

I think my chronic masterbating addiction has returned. 

It's ok though,  I've beaten it before and will beat it again 

 

[Shamal]

For all those that have said they don’t like my jokes, maybe it’s because all my terrible jokes are in English, here’s one in Spanish...

.....Uno

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife's been invited to a reggae night.

'Will you help with my hair?' She asked.

TBH I'm dreading it.  

 

[Shamal]

Well my wife was getting ready for a party and asked me "does my bum look big in this"

I replied "yes, but to be fair, it is a small bathroom" 

?‍?

 

[BigBell1987]

Man walks into a pet shop and approaches the clerk.

"I wanna buy a wasp"

Clerk responds

"We don't sell wasps"

Man replies

"But you have one in the window"

 

[Shamal]

I have just been watching a Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart.

…. But I’ve got no idea how he got into my house ?

 

[Shamal]

Present. I bought my friend a present of an elephant for his room.  He thanked me for the gift, but I told him “not to mention it”.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just played football with the little lad next door.

My neighbour screamed at me to buy a proper ball.  

 

[Shamal]

If you boil a funny bone for two hours you will get a laughing stock.

 

[Shamal]

100 years ago nearly everyone had a horse and cars were for the rich.

Today nearly everyone has a car and horses are for the rich.

My how the stables have turned. ?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I'm absolutely knackered from my French self-defence class last night.

I've never run so fast in all my life.

 

[Cannonfodder]

Just wait till you get to level 2, collaborate