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Tell Us a Gag. Please!

I cared for my Uncle Bob until the end.  I'll always remember his last words.

'For fuck's sake those were the wrong pills.'

 
I thought I saw a small,dead baby ghost in the road today.

Turns out it was a handkerchief....

 
Thought for the day......

....if you are being chased by an angry gang of taxidermists don't play dead! ?

 
Two old grannies were sat on a park bench when a flasher jumped out of the bushes. It was such a shock that one had a stroke but the other had arthritis so couldn't reach

 
When little billy got home from school one day he found the family rooster dead in the front yard.Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure.

 
My wife and I shared a cream tea yesterday.....I weighed myself this morning & I've put on half a scone.

 
People are amazed at the tattoo I got on my hols in Torremolinos. 

No one expects the Spanish ink precision.

 
I was watching TV and they said there's a documentary about the clitoris on the red button ....... but I couldn't find it

 
Teacher asked the children what their Dad's did for a living.All the typical answers came up... Builder, fireman, policeman, salesman,etc.Joshua, a kid with a blond mop of hair, was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the Teacher asked him about his Dad. 'My Dad's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the back lane and have sex with them for money.The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little Joshua aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your Dad?''No,' said Joshua, 'He's just resigned as the PM but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.

 
A very philosophical friend asked me "What is Earth without art?"  I just looked at him and said "Eh?

 
I split with my ex girlfriend 4 years ago because she wouldn't stop counting. I sometimes wonder what she's up to.?

 
Bloody great German shepherd crapped on my lawn again this morning.  

To make matters worse his dog did a shit too. 

 
State of mind. Did you know keeping fish in an aquarium is good for your mental health and has a calming affect on the brain? It’s because of the indoor fins

 
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