Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

What if there were no hypothetical questions? 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Sad news that a woman has died after an accident involving her obsession with taking her own picture alongside boiling kettles.

Psychologists claim that she may have had serious selfie steam issues.

 

[Shamal]

Sad news that a woman has died after an accident involving her obsession with taking her own picture alongside boiling kettles.

Psychologists claim that she may have had serious selfie steam issues.

?!

If alcohol can damage your short term memory...err .. imagine the damage alcohol can do.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I went to the doctor today.   The issue is that I can't pronounce the sounds F and TH.  'But I do my best to get by,' I told him.

'You can't say fairer than that,' he replied.

 

[Shamal]

I went to the doctor today.   The issue is that I can't pronounce the sounds F and TH.  'But I do my best to get by,' I told him.

'You can't say fairer than that,' he replied.

I think we are getting near the bottom of the gag bag now ??

Can somebody give me some advice on getting a tattoo please.  I am wondering how much it hurts, but I’ve been told it depends on what area.
I’m in Lovedean, if that helps.?

 

[Cannonfodder]

I watched a documentary on magic mushrooms yesterday and it was very interesting. In fact I'm going to watch all documentaries that way in future 

 

[Shamal]

Well I watched a documentary on the Northern lights.

I never new that Manchester had four thousand and fifty street lights.?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Saw a really good radio at a bargain price today.  The man in the shop said that it was half price as the volume switch was stuck.  

'I can't turn that down,' I thought.  

 

[Skullchewer]

?A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London .

"I vish to buy sex viz you."

"Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky for an extra £10."

Helmut agrees. 

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant zat you tie zese springs to each of your hans und knees."

The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as requested.

"Now you vill get down on your hans und knees."

This she duly does, balancing precariously on the springs.

"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."

She thinks this even odder, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying).

But the sex is fantastic: honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it's several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing! What do you call that position?"

"Zat," replies the German, "is ze Four-sprung Duck Technique ???

 

[Shamal]

I’ve been asked to promote the local "Birds of Prey” society musical evening of classics.  All the instruments will be played by the Hawks.
Yes it will be an all kestrel piece ?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Sad news that a young chef has been admitted to hospital after accidentally rubbing herbs into his eyes.

Poor chap is now only parsley sighted.  

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

The window cleaner is outside the house swearing his head off.

He's completely lost his rag.

 

[Shamal]

So the last time I visited Blackpool, I went on a donkey...

It took fecking ages!

In hindsight I should have driven .

 

[Tackle]

A man applies for a job at a gorilla
sanctuary . At the interview the sanctuary
owner says to him “ I will be needing
someone to help me cull the amount of
gorillas here your reference seems ok so
what else would you require to do the
job”..
The man replies “nothing much just a
shotgun I already have a dog with me oh
and I will need you to come along for a bit
of assistance “ .
“Ok I will see you first thing in the morning
“
Next morning the two men are out in the
sanctuary and the owner says “ right
today we need to get rid of some
silverbacks there’s one in that tree we can
start there what would you like me to do”
“If you hold the gun I will sort the rest “
With that the man walks over to the tree
and shakes it and the gorilla falls out.
Suddenly the dog bolts over and shags the
gorilla to death !
“Right onto the next one” says the rather
supprised but satisfied owner “that one in
the tree there . Is there anything I can do?”
says the owner
“Just hold the gun I will do the rest“
replies the man . Same again he walks to
the tree shakes it, gorilla falls out dog
shags gorilla to death . They get to the
end of the day and the owner says “Right
last one for today, that oversized
silverback has been a problem lately so
we will finish with him are you sure there
is’nt anything I can do?“
“Just hold the gun” the man replies.
The man walks over and shakes the tree
but nothing happens! He walks back to
the owner shaking his head , taking off his
coat and rolling his sleeves up.
“What are you going to do now?” asks the
owner
“Well he won’t come down so I’m going
have to go up and wrestle him out” replies
the man
“What do want me to do?” asks the owner
“If I fall out the tree shoot the dog!!

 

[Shamal]

A man applies for a job at a gorilla
sanctuary . At the interview the sanctuary
owner says to him “ I will be needing
someone to help me cull the amount of
gorillas here your reference seems ok so
what else would you require to do the
job”..
The man replies “nothing much just a
shotgun I already have a dog with me oh
and I will need you to come along for a bit
of assistance “ .
“Ok I will see you first thing in the morning
“
Next morning the two men are out in the
sanctuary and the owner says “ right
today we need to get rid of some
silverbacks there’s one in that tree we can
start there what would you like me to do”
“If you hold the gun I will sort the rest “
With that the man walks over to the tree
and shakes it and the gorilla falls out.
Suddenly the dog bolts over and shags the
gorilla to death !
“Right onto the next one” says the rather
supprised but satisfied owner “that one in
the tree there . Is there anything I can do?”
says the owner
“Just hold the gun I will do the rest“
replies the man . Same again he walks to
the tree shakes it, gorilla falls out dog
shags gorilla to death . They get to the
end of the day and the owner says “Right
last one for today, that oversized
silverback has been a problem lately so
we will finish with him are you sure there
is’nt anything I can do?“
“Just hold the gun” the man replies.
The man walks over and shakes the tree
but nothing happens! He walks back to
the owner shaking his head , taking off his
coat and rolling his sleeves up.
“What are you going to do now?” asks the
owner
“Well he won’t come down so I’m going
have to go up and wrestle him out” replies
the man
“What do want me to do?” asks the owner
“If I fall out the tree shoot the dog!!

Mmm. What breed of dog was it please?

Was this in England?

Regards

 

[Tackle]

Mmm. What breed of dog was it please?

Was this in England?

Regards

Why ?, you feeling horny ?

 

[Shamal]

Why ?, you feeling horny ?

Haha. I just knew as I typed that exactly what you would say. And I was right. ??

Regards

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Our local bakery is expanding and hiring more staff.

They have many roles that need filling.

 

[Shamal]

Well there is a bakery somewhere near me that sell the most wonderful bread. It's location is kept secret to all but a few. Its on a knead to dough basis. ?

 

[Adolf Hamster]

must admit, some of these bread jokes are a bit stale.....