Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Tackle]

Definition of a gag: a joke or funny story.

Click to shrink...

Somebody should get trading standards on to Russell Howard then, painful to watch?

 

[Shamal]

A couple knocked on my door this morning and gave me a lecture for over an hour about how good brown bread is better than white bread.

It turned out they were Hovis Witnesses.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I went into the electrical shop and said to the guy, "I need a battery so I can tell the time"

'Is it for a clock" he asked.

I said "I don't know, that's why I need the battery"

 

[Shamal]

I went into the electrical shop and said to the guy, "I need a battery so I can tell the time"

'Is it for a clock" he asked.

I said "I don't know, that's why I need the battery"

Click to shrink...

Took me a while but I got there ?

 

[Tackle]

Took me a while but I got there ?

Click to shrink...

LOL, glad it wasn't just me then?

 

[Shamal]

Being an old fart, I don't know how to post links but check out you tube for 'whats the time eccles' I think it's funny.?

Regards

LOL, glad it wasn't just me then?

Click to shrink...

I was gonna pm ya for a heads up but after 6 hours I had a light bulb moment lol

 

[Shamal]

Out on our walk this morning, I decided to throw a ball for my dog.

I know it’s a bit extravagant, but he does look awesome in a tuxedo! ?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Scientists in Texas have discovered the leading cause of dry skin.

They're called towels.

 

[Shamal]

Just had a policeman come to our door, saying he was looking for a man with one eye.

I tried to be helpful and do my my bit for the community, by suggesting he used both eyes, as he might find him a lot quicker.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife's birthday!

 

[Cannonfodder]

Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife's birthday!

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Is that the voice of experience there? 

 

[Jedi_Master]

I purchased the new U2 satnav. It was useless. The streets have no name, and I still cannot find what I am looking for.

 

[Cannonfodder]

Haven't they suffered enough? View attachment 90111

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

German jokes - they're no laughing matter.

 

[John_W]

I purchased the new U2 satnav. It was useless. The streets have no name, and I still cannot find what I am looking for.

Click to shrink...

Don't get the AC/DC version. I ended up on a Highway to Hell.

 

[Shamal]

I think my contactless bank card is broken.

Mrs shamal asked to borrow it today and when I said no she whacked me!

Definitely not contactless.?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A sports therapist who lives near me has just been arrested for drug dealing. Just goes to show that you never really know a person.

Five years I've been going to see him and I never even knew he was a sports therapist.

 

[Shamal]

I put my phone under my pillow last night.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a pound coin in it's place.

I hate that fuckin Bluetooth fairy!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Canapé: a term describing a bankrupt Scotsman.

 

[Shamal]

 My wife just found some letters I was hiding. She said she felt betrayed and could never trust me again. I was so ashamed. I felt like a fool and I felt so bad.

She said she would never play scrabble with me again after that.