Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

In our search for ever cleaner and cheaper fuels, Engineers have just developed a car that can run on parsley.
Now they're hoping to make buses that can run on thyme.?

Regards

 

[Shamal]

Today I’ve undertaken my first ever sponsored Semaphore marathon . Unfortunately, I'm now 20 hours in and starting to flag quite badly .

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Sad news.  My mate Dave hanged himself at that new modern art gallery in town.

Took three weeks before someone realised that he wasn't an exhibit.  

 

[Cannonfodder]

Now they're hoping to make buses that can run on thyme.?

Regards

Really trying not make a Mussolini joke there 

 

[Shamal]

Well yeah it could be applied to trains as well ?

 

[Shamal]

I visited this old church the other day and noticed that the tombstones on the left were identical to the tombstones on the right. Then I realised these people were all buried in the middle of the symmetry.

Regards

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

How many alzheimers patients does it take to change a light bulb? 

To get to the other side! 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just noticed two lumps on my car battery, so I have had them tested.

Hope it's not terminal.  

 

[Skullchewer]

Some bad news, I had to break up with the woman I was seeing. My feelings were unrequited. Great woman, very fit because she's a tennis player.

But love means nothing to her.

 

[Shamal]

Yeah so I had a day out in London yesterday. 

Used the underground.what a bloody performance that was!

Big sign saying 'dogs must be carried on escalators'.

Took me hour and a half to find a bloody dog!?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My girlfriend's dog died, so I bought her another one that was exactly the same. 

You can't please her though. 

'What the fuck am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?' She screamed.

 

[Shamal]

I found that I’ve been much happier since I stopped drinking coffee in the morning and switched it to orange juice. 
My doctor says it is the vitamin C and the natural sugars, but personally I think it’s the vodka.?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My lad came home from school with a bloody nose today.

'Where the hell did you get that from you fucking psychopath?' I asked him. 

 

[Shamal]

My lad came home from school with a bloody nose today.

'Where the hell did you get that from you fucking psychopath?' I asked him. 

?

 

[Shamal]

To get by in life I have found it vitally important to live by two unwritten rules, these are:
?.
?.

?

Regards

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I just broke off my engagement to the local baker.  

Charming girl but far too kneady.  

 

[Shamal]

So in awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought.…
I must put a roof on this toilet ??

 

[sonofsammo]

How many stupid people does it take to change a light bulb?

Five.

One to stand on the stool and hold the bulb, the other four to turn the stool round.

I went to give blood the other day. 
I'm not fricking doing it again. Just too many questions.
Where did you get it from?
Whose is it?
Why is it in a bucket?


 

 

[Tackle]

So in awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought.…
I must put a roof on this toilet ??

LOL, I thought something similar one night back in '87, woke up looking at the stars?. 

True story?

 

[Shamal]

LOL, I thought something similar one night back in '87, woke up looking at the stars?. 

True story?

Aah stop it you old romantic you.lol

Was that the summer of 87