Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[2MT Paul]

When I was younger I has a real thing for Posh Spice.....

Cost my mum a fortune in saffron............

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I get mixed up with words that sound alike sometimes.  Last night I confused jacuzzi with yakuza.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.  

 

[AirsoftTed]

What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's finger ?

 

[Cannonfodder]

A mate told me he failed his Aboriginal music exam

Didja redo it? I asked 

 

[Skullchewer]

Once upon a time there was a king who was only 12 inches tall. He didn’t make a good king but he was a great ruler

 

[Shamal]

Doh!! Lol

The local secondary school has announced that it is changing its academy status.  Going forward it will be part of the IKEA academy.

Standards of teaching will definitely improve, but assembly will now take much longer.

Regards 

 

[Shamal]

Hey @SkullchewerI can combine two of your gags......

I actually have a twelve inch penis......but I don't use it as a rule. 

Regards 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I went to the library today and asked for a suicide manual. 

'You're not booking it out on your ticket,' snapped the librarian. 

'Whyever not?' I asked.

'Because you won't bring the bloody thing back...'

 

[Shamal]

There was a documentary about kids with weird names that I watched with keen interest. And Keen Interest said to me, "Dad……."

Regards 

 

[Shamal]

It' been a very strange day. First I found a hat full of money, then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar!

? 

Mad or what ?

 

[2MT Paul]

Just been banned from the local swimming pool...........

How was I to know the S had fallen off of my Speedo's

 

[Shamal]

Haha. Well I got banned for pissing in the swinning baths.

"Everybody does it" I complained to the attendant.

"Not from the top diving board they don't!" he replied. 

Regards 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Uncle Bob was a terrible ventriloquist.   

He used to stick his hand up my cousins arse and tell him not to say anything. 

 

[Skullchewer]

In his final high school exam, my Granddad got 7 C's

So he became a pirate.

 

[Shamal]

Haha. Well my grandad was in the war and had a good collection of German memorabilia.

When I was seven I asked if I could see his German helmet.

"Yeah it's in the loft behind the tank" 

My eyes widened "you got a fucking tank!??"

?

 

[Cannonfodder]

Well my grandad downed 6 Me109s in a day during the Battle of Britain

It was this point he was kicked out of the maintenance department of the Luftwaffe

 

[Shamal]

In his final high school exam, my Granddad got 7 C's

So he became a pirate.

In my final gcse exams I got all 'A's....Away,Atrocious,Abysmal and Absolute crap!

? 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

The Nazis decide to amuse themselves one day in an occupied Soviet village.  

They line up all the men naked and blindfold a housewife. 

'If you can identify your husband in the lineup only by fondling his cock, you will all go free.   If you can't,  you will all be shot.'

The woman starts at the end of the line.  She takes the first villagers knob in her hands.  'Not him,' she says. 

She fondles a second man, 'Not this one either.'

She fondles a third, 'This one's not even from our village.'

 

[Cannonfodder]

Not a joke, but a genuine newspaper story 

https://news.atlantanewsmedia.com/indiana-egg-farmer-transported-to-hospital-with-a-live-adult-chicken-stuck-in-his-rectal-cavity/

 

[Shamal]

How the heck did you find that?

Funny really cause yesterday It was mentioned about Mr Tackles penchant for feathers ???

Regards