Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Skullchewer]

Well talking about animals,my mate has just text me that he has bought a four foot snake....I'm pretty sure it's a lizard.?

Regards 

That actually took me a moment ?

 

[Cannonfodder]

A British Airways flight reached cruising altitude when the pilot came over the intercom

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to BA fight 121 from Heathrow to New York. The weather forecast is good so we should have a smooth ride, landing at approximately five thir OH FUCK" 

After a long silence came back on the intercom

"I'm sorry if I scared you then ladies and gentlemen, it's just that a flight attendant spilt coffee on my lap. The front of my trousers are ruined" 

"That's nothing" shouted a passenger, "you should see the back of mine" 

 

[Shamal]

There were a couple of pigeons sat on my fence, making a mess, so I shouted at them with a high pitched scream. They both fell off and collapsed to the floor dead.

It's true,you can kill two birds with one's tone. ?.

Regards 

 

[Skullchewer]

Please, make it stop ?

 

[Shamal]

OK done now.......?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock.

It’s not the best job in the world, but it gets me out of the house.

 

[Cannonfodder]

Why did the sperm cross the road? 

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning 

 

[Shamal]

Found a nice little restaurant.

It's called Peace and Quiet.

Kids menu start at £250.

Regards 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife was fretting about something she'd done today.  

I told her to embrace her mistakes.  

She must have been cheered up because her reply was to give me the biggest hug! 

 

[Enid_Puceflange]

Here’s a good one…….

Airsoft Cardiff

best joke I have heard all day ??‍

 

[Shamal]

While in London last weekend we saw a dog playing the trumpet on the Underground......

It went from Barking to Tooting in half an hour.....

Regards 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

'Sad news that someone fell from the roof of a local nightclub and is seriously hurt,' my wife said reading the morning paper over breakfast.

'Obviously not one of the bouncers,' I thought.  

 

[Druid799]

View attachment 86229

View attachment 86230

 

[Shamal]

 I have booked a table for my wife and me for our wedding anniversary....it will all end in tears as she is rubbish at snooker..

?

regards 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

My wife claimed she was late coming home tonight because she was ambushed by a group of elderly men who pinned her down and repaired her shoes.

Sounds like a load of old cobblers to me.

 

[Skullchewer]

My penis was in the Guinness book of records.

But then the librarian asked me to take it out 

 

[Shamal]

Got home from work today and wife was still on e-bay!

If she is still on there tomorrow I'm gonna have to drop the price lol.

Love her lots really. She is the butt of most of my jokes( and other activities but that's personal) ??

Regards 

 

[Shamal]

Just heard that our Residents Association are having a meeting about some weirdo who lives on our road ?

My invitation got lost probably that'll be what's happened. ?

regards 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

We went to one of those weird fetish restaurants tonight.  

The waiter was insistent that the special was fantastic, but I didn't order it.

I really didn't fancy getting Toed in the Hole.  

 

[Skullchewer]

The girl I've got a crush on works as a stock-checker for a European supermarket chain.

She ticks Aldi boxes.