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Tell Us a Gag. Please!

A man sees a sign outside a farmhouse:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined  the Garda.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world drug lords, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Dublin airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
“A tenner??But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!"

 
I used to be chief executive of a large non-profit-making organisation; but they have just let me go.

We weren't supposed to be one.

 
My daughter told me this joke and I was buckled (maybe just cos she’s wee and my daughter though lol)

”dad what do you call a spider with no legs?

.

.

.

.

.

.

A raisin” 

 
I think it's a disgrace on society and our education system when after 50 years, most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is. Or what kind of trumpet he played! ?

Regards 

 
I think it's a disgrace on society and our education system when after 50 years, most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is. Or what kind of trumpet he played! ?

Regards 


no no no you’re thinking of Neil Diamond he plays the clarinet  ?

 
I ordered my favourite dish last night at the local fish restaurant, grilled fish in a herb sauce. But when it came I thought it tasted a bit funny...

I thought about sending it back, but I wasn't sure if it was the thyme or the plaice! ?

?

 
I ordered my favourite dish last night at the local fish restaurant, grilled fish in a herb sauce. But when it came I thought it tasted a bit funny...

I thought about sending it back, but I wasn't sure if it was the thyme or the plaice! ?

?
Awful. Thanks.

 
Kids today don't know how well off they are.  I was orphaned at a young age and raised by a pack of hyenas.

No toys, no posh house, facing starvation scouring for food, but boy, did we have some laughs.

 
So then she says"Strip down, facing me"

It was only as I was being put in the back of the van that I realised she meant my credit card.

 
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What's that all about. 

I opened a tin of evaporated milk and it's all still there ?

And why aren't all butter croissants just a pile of butter ?

Confused ? 

 
Me: “I’m stuck on a crossword clue 'Overworked Postman' can you help me?”

My Wife: “Sure, how many letters?”

Me:  “I’m guessing too many.”  

 
I found this wonderful record in the charity shop called ‘natural sounds of wasps’.  However, when I got it home and played it, I thought, this sounds nothing like wasps.  Then I realised I was playing the B side.

Apologies but had to post it 

I'm off now.... 

 
So I went to the supermarket this morning on my bike and bought a bottle of whiskey.

On my way home, it started raining heavily and I thought, if I fell off my bike I might smash the bottle, so I decided to drink it all.

It was a good decision. I fell off my bike 5 times before I got home.?

Regards 

 
Bit of a rough week really lads.  Lost my gran on Saturday.

Monday I didn't get a Valentine's card from my secret admirer, for the first time in 53 years.

 
Bit of a rough week really lads.  Lost my gran on Saturday.

Monday I didn't get a Valentine's card from my secret admirer, for the first time in 53 years.
That's sad though. Sorry about your gran. ?

Regards 

Talking about valentines day though.

I was caught in a valentines scam.

I ordered some jewelery for my wife but a load of tools and a TV turned up! Beware!!



 
I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over.  He said, 'These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty pound notes.'

'What did they look like?' I asked.

'Fifty pound notes,' he replied.  

 
Hi all.

What a bloody awful day.

Thought I'd pop along to an elderly neighbour to see if she needed any shopping. She did so I gave her my list. Well pointless both of us getting blown to fuck.?

Regards 

 
Elton John has hired a rabbit as his personal trainer.

It's a little fit bunny.

 
Well talking about animals,my mate has just text me that he has bought a four foot snake....I'm pretty sure it's a lizard.?

Regards 

 
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