Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Cannonfodder]

I think musician Peter Gabriel is secretly an airsofter. The give away is a verse from Games without Frontiers 

"Andre has a red flag, Chiang Ching's is blue (usual armband colours) 
They all have hills to fly them on except for Lin Tai Yu (Lin didn't get any of the objectives) 
Dressing up in costumes, playing silly games
Hiding out in tree-tops shouting out rude names" (Sounds like a typical Sunday skirmish) 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just had a bit of a row with my wife. 

She reckons I'm terrible at fixing electrical appliances. 

She's in for a shock later!

 

[Shamal]

In a similar vein....

I bought my mother in law a nice chair for Christmas.

Wife won't let me plug it in though! ?

Regards 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Just learned that all Norwegian military vessels have barcodes on their bows.

Apparently, when they get back to port, the harbour master can Scandinavian!

 

[AirSniper]

Fact...

View attachment 83685

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

According to my palace sources, Prince Andrew can get off on a legal technicality.

Is there nothing he doesn't find arousing?.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

The Mother Superior was giving 'the talk' to the convent school girls.

'Men only want one thing, and it’s disgusting,' she intoned stentoriously, standing arms crossed and brows knit at the front of the class. 

Young Mary McClintok puts her hand up, 'Mother Superior, have you tried washing it?'

 

[Shamal]

My obese parrot just died ? 
I’m distraught, but it’s a huge weight off my shoulders.

Regards 

 

[Paul72]

View attachment 84169

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

That nuts ex-girlfriend of mine barged in today, tied me up and did things I'm too embarrassed to type.

I don't think she really understands what a restraining order is!

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I need to rehome a dog.  It's gentle enough but it barks constantly and won't respond to commends to shut up.

If anyone's interested, I'll nip over the back fence and get it for you.    

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I gratuitously repeat this old Barry Cryer gag:

 "Do you know what speed you were doing, Sir?" asked the policeman.

"I do apologise Officer," I replied. "I've never used this road before, and I honestly thought it was an unrestricted zone."

"No you didn't!!" my wife protested. "We only live round the corner, you said you were putting your foot down because there wouldn't be any coppers around this late!"

"May I see your insurance?" the cop said grimly.

"I've just renewed it," I assured him. "It'll be in the post, I'll drop a copy to the station next week."

"Actually," said the wife, "you were short on cash this month and said you'd leave it 'til you had the money. It ran out a fortnight ago."

I turned to her and snapped "Will you keep your mouth shut, you stupid bitch...."

"Does he always talk to you like that, Madam?" asked the copper.

"No," my wife replied. "Only when he's been drinking."

 

[Cannonfodder]

I need to rehome a dog.  It's gentle enough but it barks constantly and won't respond to commends to shut up.

If anyone's interested, I'll nip over the back fence and get it for you.    

Tbh I was expecting this to be about the wife or mother in law 

 

[HaggisHunter]

A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are caught during an airsoft skirmish by a group of strict reenactment players after going out of bounds and stumbling upon their grounds, the leader of the reenactment group suggests a test of worthiness before possibly releasing the players as this was a common thing back in day according to their “good book”, the leader goes on to explain the test “you shall all be sent into the jungle to collect 3 items of fruit and then return for the final part of the test”, eager to get home they all headed into the jungle, first back is the Englishman with 3 apples and the leader says “you must now shove all 3 apples up your ass and if you make any noise at all we will cut your head off”, shocked and scared the Englishman attempts the test, one goes in with no sound but second one causes him to grunt in pain and in an instant WHOOSH head comes off, second out the jungle is the Scotsman with 3 grapes and he is told the same as the last man so he starts his test, 1st one no problem 2nd one no problem 3rd one BOOM he bursts out laughing and WHOOSH head comes off, up in heaven the Englishman and Scotsman are together and the Englishman asks “why did you laugh you were so close to getting home” and the Scotsman replies “after the first two grapes went up easy I looked up and saw the Irishman coming out the woods with 3 pineapples”. 

 

[Shamal]

Haha nice adaptation.?

 

[Cannonfodder]

What's 12 inches long and hard in the morning? 

SIDS

 

[Shamal]

Mmm......not really funny 

 

[Cannonfodder]

View attachment 84847

 

[Shamal]

View attachment 84847

That's true. I guess even the sickos are entitled to laugh ? 

 

[Shamal]

Two scientists walk into a pub.

"I'll have a glass of h2o" says the first scientist."I think I'll have a glass of h20 too" says the second scientist. They drink their drinks and the second scientist promptly dies.....?