Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

Anybody on here want a vacuum cleaner? It's of no  use me. 

It's just sat in cupboard gathering dust. ?

Regards 

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Police knocked on my door this evening.  

'Where were you between four and six?' they asked.

'Primary school,' I promptly answered.

Seriously, what a waste of public money!

 

[SBoardley]

Heard this one the other day:

Q: Why is Santas sack so big?

A: Because he only comes once a year!!

 

[Paul72]

Why does Santa always enter through the chimney?

Because it soots him

 

[EDcase]

Why does Santa always enter through the chimney?

Because it soots him

You got that from a cracker didn't you? ??

 

[Paul72]

Perzackly ?

 

[AirSniper]

Dug up a classic...

View attachment 83028

 

[SBoardley]

Dug up a classic...

View attachment 83028

Are you a nonce? This is bad taste. Please delete. 

 

[Tackle]

Are you a nonce? This is bad taste. Please delete. 

He ain't right, of that I've no doubt ?

 

[Shamal]

How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger…boom boom! ?

Regards 

 

[colinjallen]

Are you a nonce? This is bad taste. Please delete. 

Dear old Lem would not have been happy with that.  I don't think bad taste quite captures it.

 

[AirSniper]

View attachment 83047

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I excitedly opened my present on Christmas morning, the sheer delight when I saw the Gibson logo on the box, but when I finally got to opening it, it was empty. 

"What the fuck? " I yelled.

"You like it? " shouted my wife.  "I got you your own Gibson air guitar, now you can really rock out. "

 

[Paul72]

View attachment 83283

 

[Shamal]

Hi all.

If anyone on here is interested I've just heard that the British museum has recently taken delivery of a new exhibit.

It's an Egyptian mummy but instead of the usual mummification process this one was covered in chocolate and crushed nuts. 

They have called it Pharaoh Rochè....??

Regards 

 

[MAX DICKER]

Hi all.

If anyone on here is interested I've just heard that the British museum has recently taken delivery of a new exhibit.

It's an Egyptian mummy but instead of the usual mummification process this one was covered in chocolate and crushed nuts. 

They have called it Pharaoh Rochè....??

Regards 

The Egyptian ambassador is really spoiling us.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

A bear walks into a bar.  'Whisky and...........................................................................................soda please,' he tells the barman.

'What's with the massive pause?' the barman asks.

'Dunno,' says the bear, 'I was born with them.'  

 

[Shamal]

A bear walks into a bar.  'Whisky and...........................................................................................soda please,' he tells the barman.

'What's with the massive pause?' the barman asks.

'Dunno,' says the bear, 'I was born with them.'  

The old ones are the best ? ?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I was in the gym changing rooms at lunchtime with my mate Tom.   I turned around to speak to him and couldn't help noticing that he was wearing a lace thong.

'Bloody hell mate!'  I said.  'How long have you worn skimpy women's lace underwear?!'

'Since my wife found some in the glove compartment of my car,' he replied.

 

[AirSniper]

Lacking support...

View attachment 83439