Tell Us a Gag. Please!

[Shamal]

Two for one you lucky lucky people.

I used to work in a shoe recycling facility.

But had to give it up cause it was soul destroying.

-------------------------------------

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

 

[Cannonfodder]

They said girls like guys that remind them of their father
That's why princess Leia loved her vibratory as it's black, mechanical and it has to choke her to finish the job

 

[John_W]

A blonde and a brunette rob a bank.

As the Blonde runs out dragging the safe with a rope followed by a guard with his trousers round his ankles, the Brunette screams:

"You idiot, I told you to tie up the guard and blow the safe"

 

[Druid799]

View attachment 92330

 

[Shamal]

Johnny asks his dad how a country runs. His dad thinks and replies, ‘Well, it’s like this. I earn the money in the house, so I’m the rich. Your mum takes care of running the home, so she is the government. The maid is the working class, and your baby brother is the future. And finally you Johnny, are the average citizen.’

That night Johnny is woken up by his baby brother’s cries. He goes to the crib and notices that his brother has soiled his nappy. He runs to his mum and finds her fast asleep. He then goes to the maid’s room and finds her in bed with his father. He returns to his bed.

The next day Johnny tells his dad that he has the working of a country all figured out. His dad asks him to explain.

“A country is where an average citizen can’t get proper sleep as the rich are screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep and the future is full of shit.

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

That's the last time I go on a blind date.

Her bloody dog wouldn't let me go near her.

 

[Stratton Oakmont]

Did you hear about the man who was so bored whilst riding on the London underground he decided to teach his dog how to play the trumpet.

He went from barking to tooting in under an hour.

 

[Shamal]

Did you hear about the man who was so bored whilst riding on the London underground he decided to teach his dog how to play the trumpet.

He went from barking to tooting in under an hour.

Hey copyright.lol

I think I done that one months ago ??

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

 

[AirSniper]

Maggi Thatchers Statue ... again....

 

[Shamal]

A quick grammar lesson for a few of you on here.

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

Jane ate her friend’s lunch.
Jane ate her friend’s colon.?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Uncle Bob is completely bald, but still carries a comb with him.

He just can't part with it...

 

[Shamal]

Uncle Bob is completely bald, but still carries a comb with him.

He just can't part with it...

See the old ones are priceless?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

Here's a 21st Century one...

What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF file

 

[Shamal]

I just called the sea-life centre and when they answered the telephone, the person at the other end asked me to say "do a back-flip’, then to say; ‘jump through a hoop’." 

Apparently all calls are recorded for training Porpoises

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

I took the shell off of my snail to make it lighter and faster.

If anything, it's now more sluggish.

 

[Shamal]

The Police have announced that they are investigating why the plaque on the wall outside the Colgate head office keeps disappearing..?

 

[Tactical Pith Helmet]

There's something I have in common with my Tazer.

After last night's incident, we're both going to get charged.

 

[AirSniper]

View attachment 92566

 

[Shamal]

In the betting shop, my friend told me to put all my money on a horse named Landfill...

I’m fuming now as it turns out it was a rubbish tip...