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Tell Us a Gag. Please!


Shamal
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I just watched a sequel to The Passion of the Christ.

 

It's called I Know What You Did Last Supper.  

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14 minutes ago, Cannonfodder said:

In 3027 years time life will be amazing or really bad. It's 5050

Forward thinking at it's best 🙂

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Went to interview for new job.manager said "the starting pay is £30,000, Later it can go up to £50,000."  "That's Great" I said
I’ll start later.”


 

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A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, ’Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'
He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination and it’s on sale this week for only £20.00.
She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Mastercard,' he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be £34.50 please..'
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for £20.00? How did you get £34.50?'
He replies, 'Yes, that's correct. The rod and reel is £20.00, but the Duck Call is £11.00 and the Mosquito Repellent is £3.50.
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Greta Thunberg has been arrested by German police. 

 

They plan to let her off with a warming.   

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Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite
apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.
 

Shit. Times have changed.

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I'm not saying that cuts to the army are severe at the moment, but these days two's company and three's a battalion...   

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When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be
no water in lanes 1, 3, and 5.
 

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.

 

media-1158623-lr-01.jpg

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe. Look towards the sky. What you see?”

The Lone Ranger replies “I see millions of stars.”

media-1158624-lr-02.jpg

“And what does that tell you?” asks Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders this for a minute and then says “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically speaking, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell you, Tonto?”

Tonto fixes the Lone Ranger with a steely glare and replies “It tells that you are dumber than buffalo crap. It means that someone's stolen our tent!

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Some people are never happy. 

 

My mate Dave has sex a couple of times a day,  visits the gym every other day, reads two good books a week, is never on his own, and still doesn't like prison.   

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Well my son was sent to jail once.

He screamed,he swore,wouldn't eat and smeared excrement on the walls......

We never played Monopoly again!

 

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I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like a fine wine. I’m
ageing like milk: Getting sour and chunky

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I got on the number 925 bus from Woking the other day.
I said to the driver “What a way to make a living”

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