Tactical Pith Helmet Posted March 28, 2023 Share Posted March 28, 2023 Doctor 'You don't look too good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?' Me: 'I drink it'. Shamal and Cannonfodder 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rj1986 Posted March 28, 2023 Share Posted March 28, 2023 I had a really bad day, today. I dropped my friend's baby in front of everyone. in my defense, I did say i was too short to be a pallbearer. Cannonfodder and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted March 29, 2023 Share Posted March 29, 2023 I've got a new job as a guillotine operator. I'll beheading there shortly. RostokMcSpoons and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted March 30, 2023 Author Share Posted March 30, 2023 I’ve learnt to play the piano by ear, but then I discovered that it’s so much easier using my hands. RostokMcSpoons and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted March 31, 2023 Share Posted March 31, 2023 I was going to patent a method for reusing tea bags. But... Tetley have taken out a restraining order against me. Tackle, RostokMcSpoons and Shamal 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted March 31, 2023 Author Share Posted March 31, 2023 6 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said: I was going to patent a method for reusing tea bags. But... Tetley have taken out a restraining order against me. Bitch! That was in my pile 😂 Tackle and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 1, 2023 Share Posted April 1, 2023 Spinach and anal sex. If you were forced to have it as a child, you'll hate it as an adult... Shamal and Tackle 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted April 1, 2023 Share Posted April 1, 2023 (edited) 7 hours ago, Tactical Pith Helmet said: Spinach and anal sex. That's quite a specific kink and a perfect example of rule 34 Edited April 1, 2023 by Cannonfodder Bloody auto correct Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 2, 2023 Author Share Posted April 2, 2023 I just spent £20- on a belt that doesn't fit. What a huge waist! Tackle and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted April 2, 2023 Share Posted April 2, 2023 So I posted that I work with a bunch of massive cunts and Facebook got the wrong idea Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 3, 2023 Author Share Posted April 3, 2023 A man walks into a chemist and asks “Have you got something for severe laryngitis?” The chemist looks at him and says “Good morning sir. Can I help you?" Tactical Pith Helmet 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted April 3, 2023 Share Posted April 3, 2023 Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader? Because calling him Master Vader made all the stormtroopers giggle Tactical Pith Helmet and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 3, 2023 Share Posted April 3, 2023 I've never taken an ugly woman to bed. I've woken up with a few mind.... Shamal and Cannonfodder 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 4, 2023 Author Share Posted April 4, 2023 A bloke at work asked me if I knew anywhere he could get a second hand toupee I said “Not off the top of my head" Tactical Pith Helmet and Cannonfodder 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 5, 2023 Share Posted April 5, 2023 (edited) Police are on the hunt for a vandal spraying things purple. They've warned the public not to approach, as he has violet tendencies. Edited April 5, 2023 by Tactical Pith Helmet Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 7, 2023 Author Share Posted April 7, 2023 WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do..." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?"(with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do.." WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times." WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: --silence-- HUSBAND: "Shit. Cannonfodder, Tackle and Tactical Pith Helmet 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 7, 2023 Share Posted April 7, 2023 As a child I had to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog. Shamal 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cannonfodder Posted April 8, 2023 Share Posted April 8, 2023 A man was admitted to hospital last night with 25 plastic toy horses in his bum. Doctors described his condition as stable Shamal and Tactical Pith Helmet 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 9, 2023 Author Share Posted April 9, 2023 A few short days ago I received a friend request on FB from a young attractive lass about 29 years old... I was curious. I wanted to know why someone that young wanted to be my fb friend. So I accepted it. Then she started sending me private messages. She was very kind. She called me handsome. She asked my age. I'm not a liar so I told her and reminded her I'm quite a bit her senior. And I let her talk a bit cause (truth be told) flattery ain't all that bad. We keep talking for a while and within a short time, she asked if we could talk about 'adult things'. I said ok. Then she replied with a face like 😉. She said 'thank you babe, you start." So I did! I told her adult things like my knees and hips were hurting. My back acts up when it is cold outside. I explained that I have crazy insomnia, I toss and turn the entire night and that I often have leg cramps, especially when I try to sleep. I mentioned the scars from multiple surgeries and the limp I have from an old injury. And of course I had to throw in the need for daily fiber supplements to prevent passing gas. Can't forget that one! I was waiting for her to answer me...She blocked me. She wanted to talk about adult things and then couldn't take the heat! I think I'm just a bit too much man for her to handle! 🫤 Jedi_Master, Cannonfodder, Tactical Pith Helmet and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supporters Tackle Posted April 9, 2023 Supporters Share Posted April 9, 2023 8 minutes ago, Shamal said: A few short days ago I received a friend request on FB from a young attractive lass about 29 years old... I was curious. I wanted to know why someone that young wanted to be my fb friend. So I accepted it. Then she started sending me private messages. She was very kind. She called me handsome. She asked my age. I'm not a liar so I told her and reminded her I'm quite a bit her senior. And I let her talk a bit cause (truth be told) flattery ain't all that bad. We keep talking for a while and within a short time, she asked if we could talk about 'adult things'. I said ok. Then she replied with a face like 😉. She said 'thank you babe, you start." So I did! I told her adult things like my knees and hips were hurting. My back acts up when it is cold outside. I explained that I have crazy insomnia, I toss and turn the entire night and that I often have leg cramps, especially when I try to sleep. I mentioned the scars from multiple surgeries and the limp I have from an old injury. And of course I had to throw in the need for daily fiber supplements to prevent passing gas. Can't forget that one! I was waiting for her to answer me...She blocked me. She wanted to talk about adult things and then couldn't take the heat! I think I'm just a bit too much man for her to handle! 🫤 This wasn't a gag was it, every word was the truth lol😉 Tactical Pith Helmet and Shamal 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 9, 2023 Author Share Posted April 9, 2023 2 minutes ago, Tackle said: This wasn't a gag was it, every word was the truth lol😉 Sadly yes 😭 Tackle 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tactical Pith Helmet Posted April 9, 2023 Share Posted April 9, 2023 Me. "I want to divorce my wife." Lawyer. "On what grounds?" Me. "She's out all night, every night, going from bar to bar." Lawyer. "Is she an alcoholic or do you think she might be cheating?" Me. "No, she's looking for me." Shamal and Cannonfodder 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 11, 2023 Author Share Posted April 11, 2023 I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting last night. Anonymous, yeh right! I knew everyone there! Tactical Pith Helmet and Cannonfodder 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 13, 2023 Author Share Posted April 13, 2023 What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador Tactical Pith Helmet and Cannonfodder 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shamal Posted April 16, 2023 Author Share Posted April 16, 2023 Went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole. He said they all look like that and I should have left him in my garden rj1986, Cannonfodder and Tactical Pith Helmet 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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